Week 1 Recap: NFL’s Back!

Gentlemen,

I am in law school, so writing this doesn’t take a lot of time for me, and I am doing it for your enjoyment, so I hope you read it. Going to start this out with one of my favorite quotes, when rallying the troops before the Second Crusade in 1146:

“Christian warriors, He who gave His life for you today demands yours in return. These are combats worth of you, combats in which it is glorious to conquer and advantageous to die. Illustrious knights, generous defenders of the Cross, remember the example of your fathers who conquered Jerusalem and whose names are inscribed in Heaven.”

St. Bernard

Now, you might be sitting there thinking to yourself, “Marolda’s at it again, what the fuck does this have to do with fantasy football?” Well, let me say that it has EVERYTHING to do with fantasy football. Today, in the crazy world of participation medals that we are living in, nothing is more glorious than some friendly competition. What else do you do in life that has clear winners and losers? Obviously, it’s nice to find a bit of comfort in the familiar. Whether you get that from Dan Jones (NYG) doing his best Eli impression (throwing a red-zone pick to cap a 19 play drive) or Leveon Bell (NYJ) going on IR is up to your personal preferences. For me, the most fulfilling part of this past week was standing up and singing along proudly to Lift Every Voice and Sing. When Pat Tillman cut his career short after 9/11 to serve our country, I am sure the unity we see today in America is exactly what he envisioned he would be dying for.

The Draft:

Nothing really crazy to mention here, other than our reigning champion Liam “Rollin with Mahomes” auto-drafting – SAD! Walsh, due to his attraction to said mulatto kermit the frog, picked him right after you auto-drafted Allen Robinson II. Do we smell a trade cooking over there to maintain your team name? Be more like Chris AKA 2 Girls 1 OBJ. Eh, I got Snell in the last round (guys apparently in the best shape of his life), so I’ve been mulling over changing my team name to Snell My Fingahs. Lastly, my arbitrary, way-too-early nomination for the steal of the draft is #105 – Darius Slayton (NYG) for Team Groot. Not sure if that was James’s doing, but I’m just going to assume he was shooting Conor texts about him weeks before the draft.

(if you want to have the true experience listen to this while reading)

Week 1 (victors in bold):

Guys, set your lineups on Saturday…

Marolda v. Chris – I could do my best to make fun of Chris here, but he knows that I’ve been this annoying since the mushroom cut days (see below). Points for the most creative team name – and recently getting engaged to Lauren (how long have you been dating 15 years)? Davante Adams is #1 in scoring, so I guess picking him 10th was pretty good for me. This matchup’s 59.08 point margin was the largest in the league this week, with my WR’s almost scoring 3X what your’s did.

Joe C v. Greg – The Battle of the Green Tables: who is outside more here? Greg literally worked outside quarantine, rain or shine, hot or cold, outside on top of massive buildings. Joe C, as always is outside vibing, even though California is literally on fire. In this matchup, if Greg set his lineup he might’ve won. Bell’s on IR (you should’ve saw this coming), but flexing Watkins (KC) over Johnson (PIT) would’ve put you over the top of Joe C by a point.

Garrett v. Liam – This match-up was the closest of the day with a 1.22 pt margin of victory – somehow Melvin Gordon III (DEN) pulled it off on Monday night for Garrett the Jet. For Liam – Matt Ryan (ATL) was a great value draft pick as the 5th highest scoring QB with a crazy core of wideouts. Kidd might’ve not made it to the league but at least he beat out this dude.

Jay v. Bracken – The Irish Super Bowl – you two motherfuckers, Jay almost got the most points for in the league this week. This was a battle between their two high scorers – Thielen (MIN) and Ridley (ATL) – and maybe if it were an academic decathlon – the prior would’ve stood a chance. This game was the second largest margin of victory for the week, with Brack scoring the least overall.

Walsh v. Conor/James – Walsh is the only person who still hasn’t paid for his team. I’m pretty sure that also goes for our other league… Conor and James, two heads I guess aren’t better than one. Conor beat me the first week of last year – and I bet you this team will roll to some nice wins as the season progresses. If you simply started Slayton (NYG) who was on the bench – over Boston Scott (PHI) WTF – you would’ve easily won.

Butch v. Tasset – Butch rolled to a nice win and 3rd place. But, with Marlon Mack (IND) on IR, and one of the deepest WR units in the league, he might have to make a trade. As for our newcomer Tasset who won our other league last year, and still won’t fight me – tough tuna. A true stats wiz, with the best draft grades all around, Tasset should bounce back – especially as he is one of the only other managers to utilize his IR slot. Golladay (DET) was listed out before Sunday, but I guess you didn’t care as you started him – this coupled with Conner (PIT) getting hurt crushed you. Regardless, since I always have to make this about myself, I’m happily sitting here giggling with back-ups-turned-starting RB’s Snell (PIT) and Taylor (IND).

Power Rankings:
Bit too early for this, I scored the most points in the league this week in case you didn’t know already. Both Jay’s and Butch’s teams get honorable mentions, without leaving certain players on the bench you could’ve potentially best me.

Respectfully,

MMIV

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