Week 5 Recap: METLIFE TURF

Gentlemen,

I hope you all have had a nice start to Fall, other than those in Florida and maybe Texas (I’m not sure how the climate works there). I’ve been spending most of my time outside of law school with my girlfriend doing the bullshit nonsense you have to do like apple picking, driving around looking at leaves, and smoking pumpkin spice. I’d like to kick off this long-overdue recap with a little bit of an injury report, since so many players have gone down while I’ve been oh-so-busy. Here are the major losses so far… and no, I’m not going full autistic on analytics just because I watched Moneyball last night on Netflix…

Week 3Week 4Week 5
Tasset (Tasset): John BrownGarrett (Protestant): ChubbMe: Prescott
Jim&Conor (Groot): GodwinChris (OBJ): Ekler Greg (Dad): Chark
Butch (Jerk Off): GoedertJay(Mick): OJ HowardDALVIN’S DUI
Injuries so far…

The first and the second overall picks, CMC and SQB, are both too on I.R., with the latter’s career potentially at risk. We’ve seen a ton of players go down now, from Prescott (Massive loss for me #5 overall in points) to Chubb. Let’s put to blame the real culprit. The one who started all of this. No, not the one you’d typically suspect. This is not Cuomo’s or De Blasio’s fault either, since the stadium is in New Jersey. This is the fault of the METLIFE grounds crew. SAD! The METLIFE TURF has caused countless injuries so far, and it MUST BE FIXED. All you need is a couple of these guys, true masters, on the job, and all would probably be fine.

All the Irish are good for.

So, moving on, let’s look at how the standings have shifted since Week 2. Garrett and Conor/James have been on the biggest downslide, with Joe C and Jay moving up the most. Still a lot of season left boys, unless everyone fucking gets COVID.

WEEK 5 RECAP (Winner’s First):

Butch (Jerk Off) v. Me (IHSV): Well, Butch is always going to claim that he knows more about football than me. Yeah, I didn’t play after the Oyster Bay Rough Rider’s Pee Wee League, or much while I was on the team, but I definitely helped morale. Guess what though? Football runs in my veins. Vince Lombardi is from the same village in Italy as me. You know how much it irks me to see targeting calls on players for hits that MAKE the game? Fuck Julian Edelman, let safeties take their heads off. Turns out there’s a reason I was able to pick up Devin Singletary, and starting him cost me this one. And yeah, maybe Butch does know more about football than me. I was in this one until Dak went down, and that must’ve been bittersweet for Butch, as a huge Cowgirls fan for some odd reason. Unfortunately, I lost one of fantasy’s top scoring players, and Butch’s Cowboys look almost as bad as my (“our” – I see you guys…) Giants.

Jay (Mick) v. Greg (Dad): I’m not going to give Greg too hard of a time here since he takes me golfing regularly. But I will say, failing to clear 100 pts sucks. This shouldn’t be too big of a deal for you however, since Jay’s team is pretty filthy anyways. Speaking of filthy, I’m going to let you all listen to this solo while you continue to read this.

Well, that should remind you of how Jay’s receivers played this week – scoring 4.5X what Greg’s did. Ridley and Hopkins murked Greg, and he didn’t take advantage beating Jay at both QB/RB. This was one of Jay’s lowest scores so far, so at least it came against Greg…

Brack (City, Bitch) v. Garrett (Protestant): Two Miami guys who probably have never met each-other but likely had classes together so might recognize each-other. Ok, so Brack’s team is rolling, managing to get its first win this week. As a wise man once said, you can’t be free if you judge people. But, I’m sure some of you have seen that freak’s antics before so who the fuck knows what to really believe anymore anyways. Maybe Trump is working for Israel, maybe life is a simulation, maybe Tupac is still alive. Who knows. What I do know is, is that Garrett is not a Catholic. But, that is ok with me. But you do know, if you are not with us, you are against us, and I hope you do honor the glory of Rome. Enough ranting, good for Brack getting such a close fought win and he does have Derrick Henry and Adam Thielen who are pretty filthy… who knows if he makes the playoffs but I bet he still has a shot.

Joe C (Outside) v. Chris (OBJ): Joe C and I were chilling heavy this week, I took him to one of the best pizzerias on Long Island. I have yet to see Chris since he has been engaged, but all is well. He and Joe C would definitely vibe if they met. Two of the most chill guys I know. Joe C’s team however, should be called team Donkey Dick. They pulled it the fuck out and slapped Chris in the face with it. Let’s refer back to that usual suspect from before. Keep that image in mind. With Russell Wilson (#TeamFutureFreeBandz), Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill, Chris Carson, Joe C’s team is scary for sure. Chris, Andrews is a tight end, but more of a wide receiver after seeing Hunt (in prison).

Tasset (Tasset) v. Walsh (Deus Vult): battle of my best friends :$. Let’s be honest, Nicky Nightclub is the true German to my Italian (guess the reference shouldn’t be too difficult). Walsh might think that his team is filthy, as he himself is, and did manage to hold first place since I lost this week as well. Tasset beat him by 4 – how fitting – and this is the longest I’ve gone not being able to smell the sweet aroma of Walsh. :/ Walsh, your wide receivers blow and I have no idea how you have this many wins. Tasset, your team looks to have talent but is hampered by injuries for now. I smell a rematch come playoffs with both at full power.

Liam (Mahomes) v. Conor/James (Grootyster Bay): Liam and Conor might have walked past each-other in Chaminade, but James likely didn’t. Cool fact, Mike. I do have to say, after winning the league last year, I was scared of Liam’s team. These two squads are in 10th/11th, and have a long way to come. Conor has too many QB’s, and Liam needs one. As do I. Hopefully trades will come!

-MMIV

Week 2 Recap: Real Men Stand

Well, looks like it’s that time of the week again boys.

So, Walsh put up the most points this week – which was 12.7 points less than Brack’s and Greg’s teams’ COMBINED TOTAL points in their match-up.

WOW.

So, that point total also gives him first place. He will be even more stoked when I start sports betting with his website, that referral is gonna keep his $10 for $190 parlays flowing.

Walsh v. Joe C: Joe, sucks to be you in fantasy. You would’ve beaten every other team this week (other than Tasset’s). But, fuck Aaron. Also, fuck Aaron Jones. He killed it for Walsh.

Tasset v. Liam: Tasset came prepared, and scored the second highest point total for the week. It was a good game, but last year’s champ Liam got beat by the swami. McCaffery may be hurt now, but Waller really was that n-word for Aaron this week.

Jay v. Butch: West Coast Jay fucked up Brian the truck this weekend. Butch might have Kyler to watch and cheer for, but that wasn’t enough as Jay’s WRs all got at least 20 points. With SQB on IR, Jay will have a tough go at it next week. The Cowboy’s comeback was the best one I’ve seen since these two cowboys and their too-gay-to-write double entendre about coming and backs.

Me v. Conor and James: I won, happy to be up in 2nd place. Lost Mostert to injury, but I should be fine. Look at me in the face – I need a TE.

Garrett v. Chris: Well, here we have two ex-LA guys. Love having Conroy back on the East Coast. Garrett managed to beat up on Chris, who keeps canceling trades on me after accepting them in his league. Well, do not worry – trades in this league go through, but I do not do bad deals. Waitaminute. We’ve gotten rid of tons of regulation. We’re going to do something big with this season. I guarantee it.

Greg v. Brack: Wow, Greg working Brack with the lowest points for a winner probably ever. Here we fucking go again boys … figure out your team or else it’s going to be a long year.

-MMIV

Me and Butch
Butch and Me

Week 1 Recap: NFL’s Back!

Gentlemen,

I am in law school, so writing this doesn’t take a lot of time for me, and I am doing it for your enjoyment, so I hope you read it. Going to start this out with one of my favorite quotes, when rallying the troops before the Second Crusade in 1146:

“Christian warriors, He who gave His life for you today demands yours in return. These are combats worth of you, combats in which it is glorious to conquer and advantageous to die. Illustrious knights, generous defenders of the Cross, remember the example of your fathers who conquered Jerusalem and whose names are inscribed in Heaven.”

St. Bernard

Now, you might be sitting there thinking to yourself, “Marolda’s at it again, what the fuck does this have to do with fantasy football?” Well, let me say that it has EVERYTHING to do with fantasy football. Today, in the crazy world of participation medals that we are living in, nothing is more glorious than some friendly competition. What else do you do in life that has clear winners and losers? Obviously, it’s nice to find a bit of comfort in the familiar. Whether you get that from Dan Jones (NYG) doing his best Eli impression (throwing a red-zone pick to cap a 19 play drive) or Leveon Bell (NYJ) going on IR is up to your personal preferences. For me, the most fulfilling part of this past week was standing up and singing along proudly to Lift Every Voice and Sing. When Pat Tillman cut his career short after 9/11 to serve our country, I am sure the unity we see today in America is exactly what he envisioned he would be dying for.

The Draft:

Nothing really crazy to mention here, other than our reigning champion Liam “Rollin with Mahomes” auto-drafting – SAD! Walsh, due to his attraction to said mulatto kermit the frog, picked him right after you auto-drafted Allen Robinson II. Do we smell a trade cooking over there to maintain your team name? Be more like Chris AKA 2 Girls 1 OBJ. Eh, I got Snell in the last round (guys apparently in the best shape of his life), so I’ve been mulling over changing my team name to Snell My Fingahs. Lastly, my arbitrary, way-too-early nomination for the steal of the draft is #105 – Darius Slayton (NYG) for Team Groot. Not sure if that was James’s doing, but I’m just going to assume he was shooting Conor texts about him weeks before the draft.

(if you want to have the true experience listen to this while reading)

Week 1 (victors in bold):

Guys, set your lineups on Saturday…

Marolda v. Chris – I could do my best to make fun of Chris here, but he knows that I’ve been this annoying since the mushroom cut days (see below). Points for the most creative team name – and recently getting engaged to Lauren (how long have you been dating 15 years)? Davante Adams is #1 in scoring, so I guess picking him 10th was pretty good for me. This matchup’s 59.08 point margin was the largest in the league this week, with my WR’s almost scoring 3X what your’s did.

Joe C v. Greg – The Battle of the Green Tables: who is outside more here? Greg literally worked outside quarantine, rain or shine, hot or cold, outside on top of massive buildings. Joe C, as always is outside vibing, even though California is literally on fire. In this matchup, if Greg set his lineup he might’ve won. Bell’s on IR (you should’ve saw this coming), but flexing Watkins (KC) over Johnson (PIT) would’ve put you over the top of Joe C by a point.

Garrett v. Liam – This match-up was the closest of the day with a 1.22 pt margin of victory – somehow Melvin Gordon III (DEN) pulled it off on Monday night for Garrett the Jet. For Liam – Matt Ryan (ATL) was a great value draft pick as the 5th highest scoring QB with a crazy core of wideouts. Kidd might’ve not made it to the league but at least he beat out this dude.

Jay v. Bracken – The Irish Super Bowl – you two motherfuckers, Jay almost got the most points for in the league this week. This was a battle between their two high scorers – Thielen (MIN) and Ridley (ATL) – and maybe if it were an academic decathlon – the prior would’ve stood a chance. This game was the second largest margin of victory for the week, with Brack scoring the least overall.

Walsh v. Conor/James – Walsh is the only person who still hasn’t paid for his team. I’m pretty sure that also goes for our other league… Conor and James, two heads I guess aren’t better than one. Conor beat me the first week of last year – and I bet you this team will roll to some nice wins as the season progresses. If you simply started Slayton (NYG) who was on the bench – over Boston Scott (PHI) WTF – you would’ve easily won.

Butch v. Tasset – Butch rolled to a nice win and 3rd place. But, with Marlon Mack (IND) on IR, and one of the deepest WR units in the league, he might have to make a trade. As for our newcomer Tasset who won our other league last year, and still won’t fight me – tough tuna. A true stats wiz, with the best draft grades all around, Tasset should bounce back – especially as he is one of the only other managers to utilize his IR slot. Golladay (DET) was listed out before Sunday, but I guess you didn’t care as you started him – this coupled with Conner (PIT) getting hurt crushed you. Regardless, since I always have to make this about myself, I’m happily sitting here giggling with back-ups-turned-starting RB’s Snell (PIT) and Taylor (IND).

Power Rankings:
Bit too early for this, I scored the most points in the league this week in case you didn’t know already. Both Jay’s and Butch’s teams get honorable mentions, without leaving certain players on the bench you could’ve potentially best me.

Respectfully,

MMIV