Gentlemen,
I hope you all have had a nice start to Fall, other than those in Florida and maybe Texas (I’m not sure how the climate works there). I’ve been spending most of my time outside of law school with my girlfriend doing the bullshit nonsense you have to do like apple picking, driving around looking at leaves, and smoking pumpkin spice. I’d like to kick off this long-overdue recap with a little bit of an injury report, since so many players have gone down while I’ve been oh-so-busy. Here are the major losses so far… and no, I’m not going full autistic on analytics just because I watched Moneyball last night on Netflix…
| Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 |
| Tasset (Tasset): John Brown | Garrett (Protestant): Chubb | Me: Prescott |
| Jim&Conor (Groot): Godwin | Chris (OBJ): Ekler | Greg (Dad): Chark |
| Butch (Jerk Off): Goedert | Jay(Mick): OJ Howard | DALVIN’S DUI |
The first and the second overall picks, CMC and SQB, are both too on I.R., with the latter’s career potentially at risk. We’ve seen a ton of players go down now, from Prescott (Massive loss for me #5 overall in points) to Chubb. Let’s put to blame the real culprit. The one who started all of this. No, not the one you’d typically suspect. This is not Cuomo’s or De Blasio’s fault either, since the stadium is in New Jersey. This is the fault of the METLIFE grounds crew. SAD! The METLIFE TURF has caused countless injuries so far, and it MUST BE FIXED. All you need is a couple of these guys, true masters, on the job, and all would probably be fine.
So, moving on, let’s look at how the standings have shifted since Week 2. Garrett and Conor/James have been on the biggest downslide, with Joe C and Jay moving up the most. Still a lot of season left boys, unless everyone fucking gets COVID.
WEEK 5 RECAP (Winner’s First):
Butch (Jerk Off) v. Me (IHSV): Well, Butch is always going to claim that he knows more about football than me. Yeah, I didn’t play after the Oyster Bay Rough Rider’s Pee Wee League, or much while I was on the team, but I definitely helped morale. Guess what though? Football runs in my veins. Vince Lombardi is from the same village in Italy as me. You know how much it irks me to see targeting calls on players for hits that MAKE the game? Fuck Julian Edelman, let safeties take their heads off. Turns out there’s a reason I was able to pick up Devin Singletary, and starting him cost me this one. And yeah, maybe Butch does know more about football than me. I was in this one until Dak went down, and that must’ve been bittersweet for Butch, as a huge Cowgirls fan for some odd reason. Unfortunately, I lost one of fantasy’s top scoring players, and Butch’s Cowboys look almost as bad as my (“our” – I see you guys…) Giants.
Jay (Mick) v. Greg (Dad): I’m not going to give Greg too hard of a time here since he takes me golfing regularly. But I will say, failing to clear 100 pts sucks. This shouldn’t be too big of a deal for you however, since Jay’s team is pretty filthy anyways. Speaking of filthy, I’m going to let you all listen to this solo while you continue to read this.
Well, that should remind you of how Jay’s receivers played this week – scoring 4.5X what Greg’s did. Ridley and Hopkins murked Greg, and he didn’t take advantage beating Jay at both QB/RB. This was one of Jay’s lowest scores so far, so at least it came against Greg…
Brack (City, Bitch) v. Garrett (Protestant): Two Miami guys who probably have never met each-other but likely had classes together so might recognize each-other. Ok, so Brack’s team is rolling, managing to get its first win this week. As a wise man once said, you can’t be free if you judge people. But, I’m sure some of you have seen that freak’s antics before so who the fuck knows what to really believe anymore anyways. Maybe Trump is working for Israel, maybe life is a simulation, maybe Tupac is still alive. Who knows. What I do know is, is that Garrett is not a Catholic. But, that is ok with me. But you do know, if you are not with us, you are against us, and I hope you do honor the glory of Rome. Enough ranting, good for Brack getting such a close fought win and he does have Derrick Henry and Adam Thielen who are pretty filthy… who knows if he makes the playoffs but I bet he still has a shot.
Joe C (Outside) v. Chris (OBJ): Joe C and I were chilling heavy this week, I took him to one of the best pizzerias on Long Island. I have yet to see Chris since he has been engaged, but all is well. He and Joe C would definitely vibe if they met. Two of the most chill guys I know. Joe C’s team however, should be called team Donkey Dick. They pulled it the fuck out and slapped Chris in the face with it. Let’s refer back to that usual suspect from before. Keep that image in mind. With Russell Wilson (#TeamFutureFreeBandz), Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill, Chris Carson, Joe C’s team is scary for sure. Chris, Andrews is a tight end, but more of a wide receiver after seeing Hunt (in prison).
Tasset (Tasset) v. Walsh (Deus Vult): battle of my best friends :$. Let’s be honest, Nicky Nightclub is the true German to my Italian (guess the reference shouldn’t be too difficult). Walsh might think that his team is filthy, as he himself is, and did manage to hold first place since I lost this week as well. Tasset beat him by 4 – how fitting – and this is the longest I’ve gone not being able to smell the sweet aroma of Walsh. 
Walsh, your wide receivers blow and I have no idea how you have this many wins. Tasset, your team looks to have talent but is hampered by injuries for now. I smell a rematch come playoffs with both at full power.
Liam (Mahomes) v. Conor/James (Grootyster Bay): Liam and Conor might have walked past each-other in Chaminade, but James likely didn’t. Cool fact, Mike. I do have to say, after winning the league last year, I was scared of Liam’s team. These two squads are in 10th/11th, and have a long way to come. Conor has too many QB’s, and Liam needs one. As do I. Hopefully trades will come!
-MMIV
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